A Day in the Life

I haven’t been on here in a while. But I feel like I need to say some stuff and this is the best place to do it, I think. I want to say that this whole thing with this guy is different than before. This morning some of my friends found out about it; they were probably wondering why I was keeping it from them, but it was a logical explanation. They took my side because she is overdramatic and sometimes they just can’t stand her. Seems i’m the only one who actually likes her, and she won’t be able to stand me after I tell her. Yup, she’s going to hate me but i’ve made up my mind to tell her, because honesty is the most important thing to me. I’m not being myself if i’m not honest and if she hates me, then fine. But the truth will set you free, and sometimes it’s ugly.

I do want to say this, though: I feel like he’s worth it. I really honestly can say that i’ve never felt this way before in my life. I can freely say that I love him. When you meet someone you can’t always say that in your mind. But I can. It’s all I can do not to shout it from the mountaintops. And even at least talking to him makes me feel light as air and as proud as a PTA mom. He makes me feel so good.

But the problem is he doesn’t know how I feel. And i’ve basically been delegated to friend status. I feel kind of invisible. He has so many friends that are girls; why would he pick me? This morning Carly said that love is like an audition, and it was so, so true. It is like an audition. It makes me nervous and antsy and I feel like I have to do well in it or i’ll have a nervous breakdown.  But the problem is, i’ve never been good at auditions.

No one ever picks me for things in auditions; I honestly say that i’ve been extremely lucky with the all-state scenario. Otherwise, i’m basically passed over because of someone far better or because I was lazy or because my voice/ the way I performed it wasn’t well-suited enough for the part. Sometimes just singing it works, and I got used to that. I got used to just singing it and people loving it. I really don’t have anything special other than the fact that I sound pretty and I can sing a couple of octaves-worth in my range.  Because I don’t put as much effort into the other aspects-being charming, putting emotion into my voice, being loose and relaxed and comfortable on the stage- I don’t really do very well sometimes. I feel like love is the same thing.

I’m of average looks, average height, and maybe above average intelligience, depending if you think average is B or C. I have a lot of quirks that can work in my favor or against me; it depends on who you are. You either love em or hate em. And I don’t think my voice is average; its above average. Not perfect or amazing. Just above-average. With a hyphen.  But again, it depends on your taste. So my voice is better than the other parts of me; its my best quality. But when most people pass me over for that? Well, I honestly don’t have much more to bring to the table that is special or appealing. I can try to turn on the charm, but I realy just look/ feel awkward. It’s like the singing: gotten used to just being the way I am so long that I forgot how to MAKE people see how great I can be.  So i’m giving it all I have without feeling like i’m throwing myself at him, and I feel like it’s not enough. I feel like i’m going to get passed over again…. And this kind of rejection would be far, far worse than not getting a solo.

So i’m trying to pass this audition, this try out. I want to see if i’m right for the part of his girlfriend. But I just need something more special to make me stick out. I need to “wow the judges,” so to speak. But i’m so unbelievably stuck and no one knows what I need to do to fix myself. And honestly if I had one, would I be comfortable with it? I feel like the obvious solution is to up the umph on the charm, but I just don’t know how to do it without compromising myself. I just wish I knew what to do. And if I did, i’m sure I’d be the best singer ever by now. With a boyfriend.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take… It should’ve been me. I know him inside and out. I wouldn’t want it now anyway. I don’t even live there anymore. But it should’ve been me. And now he’ll be happy and i’ll continue to just….honestly I don’t even know. And not knowing sucks.

<THIS CHICK.

I’ve been friend zoned.

I saw on this chick’s tumblr today that some guy wrote a song for her because she was always blogging stuff about Pokemon Blue Version and apparently he thinks that she’s amazing because she plays video games. He wrote a song using stuff from blue version and it was romantic and sweet, talking about how they’d go use Surf at the beach and build a birdhouse for Pidgeys to play in in their mutual front yard in Pallet Town. It was the dorkiest thing that i’d ever seen, but it was freaking adorable and if I were her, i’d probably hunt that guy down and make him marry me. I just have one question, though: why aren’t there any guys like that where I am?!? and what do you have to do to get through to people who AREN’T like that????